Weeks and months had gone by since the darkest days. Funny how you feel they will last forever, and then one day you wake up and realize they’re history.
I was busy with nursing school and loving every minute, still dropping by Sonic but only for a cherry coke, or hot fudge shake. I missed carhopp-ing in a strange way (not enough to go back ha).
I can honestly say my heart was healed. It was supernatural and much faster than I would have thought possible……now this doesn’t mean I didn’t have issues or insecurities; oh I did, and it was a work I would continue for sometime. Heart break is a deep wound, that heals in layers. It’s important to heal each one or you will experience a rupture down the line. In order to become whole you have to deal with every tiny detail; don’t skip any.
I was 26 years old, Charley had just turned 6 and Caleb 3. I had grown in so many ways throughout the previous months, I hardly recognized myself. I had my insecurities that were left over, but I had some self confidence. I never felt humiliation anymore, or shame. I was pretty impressed that I had made it out on the other side and not only was intact, I was better. I held no hard feelings, no “what ifs”, no “maybe so’s” …..I had definitely closed that chapter and stood ready to walk through the open door to my future.
My sister and I talked often by phone, back when you paid for long distance…..she was always more than happy to foot the bill so we could talk.
We laughed a lot and I started going to see her and her husband and sons on weekends occasionally when the boys had their visitation. She lived in Broken Arrow, Oklahoma, which was only about a 2 1/2 hour drive. Just about perfect and a good little break for me.
She had been saying for some time (since before I was ready) that I should start dating. The thought scared me, it felt foreign, almost silly to me; yet I was lonely and longed for some companionship. I wasn’t thinking someone to love, just to enjoy, have fun. It had been over 7 years since I had dated, and the thought of starting that awkward process did not sound appealing.
Pam (my sis) would just gently encourage me here and there.
Then there was a phone call with her once where she brought up a possible option 🙂
She knew I didn’t want to date anyone from the Mena area, (I had a whole list in my mind of definite “no can do’s”); so she explained she had someone she thought I should meet. She further explained that he was her neighbor (a few houses down) and that since he lived in Oklahoma (a whole state away) that would be a safe scenario for me to start off with…..just interacting with someone, possibly.
We didn’t talk about it again for a week or two and then it came back up. Apparently he fit a lot of my criteria: he was 26 (I wanted someone my age), he had never been married, (something else on my list), and he was tall (a definite must be).
She explained further that she didn’t know him, but that his sister n law (who also lived in the neighborhood ) was one of her good friends and walking buddies .
During one of their walks as they talked about this and that, Pam mentioned,”I need to find my sister a husband “, sort of jokingly but also meaning it. Her friend (Gail) said, “Well I need to find my brother n law a wife”…..and they laughed and thought it was funny. The longer they talked the more they began to think that maybe introducing us wouldn’t be such a bad idea. So they came up with a plan of sending each of us pictures of the other one, along with an address (way before email folks:) and then we could either write each other or not. I agreed to this as it seemed extremely safe from an emotional view as well as not awkward in that he didn’t know my past or think of me as the ex-preacher’s wife.
A few days later a picture of him arrived in my mail; I still remember looking at it over and over. I was very impressed. He looked fit, handsome and tall:) I thought he was super cute in fact and I had that feeling of excitement tickle my stomach, such a foreign feeling; but I liked it! I only hoped my sis would give a decent picture of me to him and that he would be interested enough to write me; that’s all I really hoped for, nothing more.
A week or more passed and then there it was, a letter from the mystery man! My fingers fumbled with the envelope , my heart skipped a few beats and I was surprised at myself how excited I was over a letter-ha.
I still have that letter, and when I look at it I remember that feeling all over again so vividly.
I felt young again, excited, intrigued. I felt like I had a secret that everyone wished they knew. I put his picture where I could see it and shared it with a handful of close friends who I could trust to be discreet.
I answered his letter and anxiously waited to hear back……but no letter came. Even better he called me!
Not only were my tears a memory, all I could do now is smile, almost uncontrollably. I don’t think I could have cried if I tried. Hadn’t met this guy, had only spoken once briefly on the phone, one letter…….but the excitement /nervousness/ giddiness was much bigger. It was different ….. I had no idea!!!
I love the Lord, because he hears me;
he listens to my prayers.
2 He listens to me
every time I call to him.
3 The danger of death was all around me;
the horrors of the grave closed in on me;
I was filled with fear and anxiety.
4 Then I called to the Lord,
“I beg you, Lord, save me!”
5 The Lord is merciful and good;
our God is compassionate.
6 The Lord protects the helpless;
when I was in danger, he saved me.
7 Be confident, my heart,
because the Lord has been good to me.
8 The Lord saved me from death;
he stopped my tears
and kept me from defeat.
9 And so I walk in the presence of the Lord
in the world of the living.
10 I kept on believing, even when I said,
“I am completely crushed,”
11 even when I was afraid and said,
“No one can be trusted.”