Carry me

This song is written for someone very close to me that I love so much. You will not always struggle!!!

My life feels like a dark and dreary day.
My spirit is broken in two.
My eyes have cried until they barely see.
It’s hard to find a future for me.

But I won’t stop believing that there is hope for me,
That even though my deepest fears are right in front of me
I won’t give up this battle , and somehow I’ll win.
But till then, I’ll need You to carry me.

I’m so tired from the struggle, too tired to even pray.
My hurt and pain go oh so deep,
I can hardly speak your name.
My nights are the longest as loneliness sets in.
Exhausted from my endless thoughts, I’m tempted to give in.

But I won’t fall, though I may stumble.
Somehow, I’ll keep my faith; I won’t be crushed into pieces.
I’ll keep whispering your name.
I will rise above this–in time my heart will sing.
But till then, I’ll need You to carry me.

Hold me softly in your arms, dear Lord for I cannot walk alone.
Let me feel your presence once again like before
And in Your still small voice speak life into my soul.
Speak of peace not seen ..speak of joy not felt, warm my cold and broken heart
Fill the void deep within.
Embrace me with Your everlasting and all consuming love.
Just You and me, until my eyes can see.
Carry me. carry me.

Words and Music by Quita Feeley, copyright 2015 all rights reserved.

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My Cinderella story, the introduction

imageI grew up in Wichita Falls, Texas and lived there until I was 16. I grew up on speed the light, missionettes, C.A.Rallies, teen talent and everything in-between.
I was a PK (preachers kid) For the most part my childhood was uneventful. We lived in a small 3 bedroom parsonage for most of my life where my dad pastored a small white church that was across the street from our home. I have an older brother and sister, and the three of us were raised on music lessons (mostly piano). I grew up playing the piano and singing, I remember being so young that I needed to stand on the piano bench so I could see and be seen. We weren’t a perfect family (by the way there is no such a thing) but for the most part I was happy and loved by my family.
The year I turned 16 my parents decided to move to Arkansas (they were both raised there). I was the only one still at home and so the three of us moved that very hot summer of 1980.
It was July 1 and would mark the beginning of my young adult life. In Arkansas I would meet the man I would marry. The next few years would play a major role in the person I would become. The interesting thing is, I wouldn’t change a moment. I cherish the lessons I learned, people I met, and the new way I learned to trust God for myself, in ways I never thought possible.
Let me stop here and say I don’t claim to be a great writer and you won’t need to look far to find an error as I write so don’t look too closely 🙂 It will take me some time to share all that I want to with you, but I’ll just do it a chapter at a time. For the record I will not be throwing out ugly details, or trying to bash anyone…this is a love story, no room in it for anger, hate, or bitterness or finger-pointing.
Many of you that will read this will have played a role or part in one area of my life or another. Some only knew me in the first phase as a young child and teenager, others only around me during my twenties and then those of you who only know me now, in this part of my life. Some will be surprised at my story, while others of you lived it out with me. So many helped me through this difficult time and I dedicate this story to all of you. I won’t mention names for privacy sake but you all know who you are. Angels that were sent to touch my life along the way.
Those of you who have no idea who I am, I hope you will take from my story a new perspective on facing difficulties. Maybe you’re not experiencing the type of heartbreak as I will be sharing, but through the years of helping others (women especially) I have learned that heartbreak is heartbreak, no matter the cause. There’s an answer for all of life’s problems and pain……don’t give up!! God has a plan B and it always surpasses plan A. Hold on the dark won’t last forever!!
Sometimes life doesn’t turn out the way you planned…..sometimes it turns out better!

Psalm 91:14-16
“If you’ll hold on to me for dear life,” says God,
“I’ll get you out of any trouble.
I’ll give you the best of care
if you’ll only get to know and trust me.
Call me and I’ll answer, be at your side in bad times;
I’ll rescue you, then throw you a party.
I’ll give you a long life,
give you a long drink of salvation!”

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Chapter 4: Singing a new Song

20140123-212416.jpgIt was a very hot summer in that brick duplex. It faced the west, no trees in the front yard to block the fierce sun. Seriously there were days we needed to go outside to cool off 🙂
We had a couple of small oscillating fans loaned by a couple of sweet friends,; but unless you stood by them with your hair wet, you only felt a warm breeze. Of course this was probably a blessing, making working out in the heat everyday easier to handle.
My heart was mending and by summer had, surprisingly, only the scars left to show where it had been shattered. One of the scars was my fear of trusting and loving again, traces of insecurities that come with divorce; but on the other hand, I had never been more secure in myself and what I was capable of with God’s help. I felt pretty tough.
I began to love my life again and accept it for what it was, but I never wanted to be comfortable staying there. I wanted a better life for my sons and I, so I began to take steps to bring it about.
I worked a lot of hours (mostly all weekends and sometimes double shifts) at Sonic that summer, rolling in the tips and walking with a spring in my step. During this time it was amazing how many people decided I needed to date again; and they just happened to have an uncle, cousin, brother, neighbor…..you name it. They would send them up to Sonic so I could meet them. Wow, I remember thinking more than once, “Do they really think I’m desperate?” (Haha). Let’s just say they were less than attractive to me. They came in all ages and sizes and brought to Sonic with them many awkward moments. We did have some good laughs over it at Sonic, for sure.
Every-time I thought I might consider dating, I had a reality check that there was no one around I was interested in; and I was not going to bring guys around my boys and mess with their little heads. I couldn’t see myself with anyone; but I knew if I ever could be, it would be different than before. Consequently, my weekends were spent working hard in the hot summer and letting my young 16 year old fellow car hop friends do the dating 🙂 I have such warm memories of that summer. That’s truly when my life began to change quickly, with every day better than the day before.
I signed up for nursing school (and was accepted) which was a huge confidence boost. I had been depression free for a few months at this point and had learned to be ok with being alone. I missed being loved; gosh, that felt like forever since I had.
One miracle after another happened in my life, such as a gift of money that was given to me, interest free and not to be repaid until after my graduation from nursing school. That loan completely paid off my car, bought me a washing machine, and the boys school clothes for the fall. This gift was given me so that I could quit my job at Sonic and go to nursing school full time. What a blessing! I still tear up when I think of the fact that God loved me enough to have someone help me like that.
Another thing that happened that summer was a lot of swinging done by Caleb and Charley on the (less than safe looking ) neighborhood swing sets. They were a ways down from the house through the back yard, and oh how they loved to meet their little friends down there and swing and play. I remember they had to come back every ten to fifteen minutes to let me know they were ok :). Some of the little kids were less than cared for and a bit more street smart than my boys, but they managed to hold their own. Caleb had just turned three and what an adorable three year old he was. Dark brown eyes and white blond hair, with a summer tan. He’s always been the singer of my kids (still is). It was only after my parents came for a visit one afternoon and my dad walked down with the boys to swing that I realized just how much singing Caleb did while swinging. Dad told me later how Caleb would swing and sing a special song over and over with only a few simple words….”I want my daddy to come home.”
My dad was so touched by this, as was I when I heard it. How my heart ached for this little guy. My dad decided at the time he would talk with Caleb about his song (which by the way I feel was a prayer). He asked Caleb about it, and Caleb explained that was what he wanted. My dad asked him if he had ever heard about step daddys? Caleb said, “Noooooo,” but his interest was peaked!! “What’s that?” he asked. So my dad explained and Caleb’s little face lit up with excitement. From that day on he never sang that song because he had a new song that he sang loudly in his famous little southern accent, “My mommas gonna’ buy me a ‘tep-daddy. ” I guess he figured that’s why we didn’t have one yet; maybe I didn’t have enough money saved. hahahaha I know God heard his prayer and he had someone in mind that would suit Caleb just fine as well as Charley. Charley was my little man, always looking after me and checking on me. My little elderly neighbor lady told me once that Charley had come over not long after we had first moved in and knocked on her door. There stood my handsome little Charley and he said “Miss Hazel, please start praying, my moms in the bathroom crying again.”
Every time I think of that my heart just breaks. I wish they hadn’t had to go through all they did, but I’m thankful God filled in the gaps that I sometimes left when I was so heartbroken.
Not all was sad; we ended up having a great summer, laughing, playing, working and healing…. preparing for our future. The boys started school the same time I started nursing school, kindergarten for Charley and head start for Caleb. Caleb would cry every morning and say,”Momie, I don’t wanta’go to ‘kool”. But he soon adjusted and Charley thrived.
Life had changed so much; our little house felt like home, because to us it was. It felt like I was seeing in color again after black and white. I would sometimes let myself think about the fact that maybe there was someone out there who was going to love me, and my boys…..I began to dream and hope and even pray that it would be possible. I wasn’t sure I could trust again, love without walls of protection, but maybe I thought, just maybe. One night in the late quietness, alone with my thoughts, I suddenly realized I couldn’t remember the last time I had cried. I was happy again, fully content, just loving the peace in my heart and mind. I too was singing a new song!
Ecclesiastes 3:11
He has set the right time for everything. He has given us a desire to know the future, but never gives us the satisfaction of fully understanding what he does.

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Chapter 5: The Cinderella Setup

Weeks and months had gone by since the darkest days. Funny how you feel they will last forever, and then one day you wake up and realize they’re history.
I was busy with nursing school and loving every minute, still dropping by Sonic but only for a cherry coke, or hot fudge shake. I missed carhopp-ing in a strange way (not enough to go back ha).

I can honestly say my heart was healed. It was supernatural and much faster than I would have thought possible……now this doesn’t mean I didn’t have issues or insecurities; oh I did, and it was a work I would continue for sometime. Heart break is a deep wound, that heals in layers. It’s important to heal each one or you will experience a rupture down the line. In order to become whole you have to deal with every tiny detail; don’t skip any.

I was 26 years old, Charley had just turned 6 and Caleb 3. I had grown in so many ways throughout the previous months, I hardly recognized myself. I had my insecurities that were left over, but I had some self confidence. I never felt humiliation anymore, or shame. I was pretty impressed that I had made it out on the other side and not only was intact, I was better. I held no hard feelings, no “what ifs”, no “maybe so’s” …..I had definitely closed that chapter and stood ready to walk through the open door to my future.

My sister and I talked often by phone, back when you paid for long distance…..she was always more than happy to foot the bill so we could talk.
We laughed a lot and I started going to see her and her husband and sons on weekends occasionally when the boys had their visitation. She lived in Broken Arrow, Oklahoma, which was only about a 2 1/2 hour drive. Just about perfect and a good little break for me.
She had been saying for some time (since before I was ready) that I should start dating. The thought scared me, it felt foreign, almost silly to me; yet I was lonely and longed for some companionship. I wasn’t thinking someone to love, just to enjoy, have fun. It had been over 7 years since I had dated, and the thought of starting that awkward process did not sound appealing.

Pam (my sis) would just gently encourage me here and there.
Then there was a phone call with her once where she brought up a possible option 🙂
She knew I didn’t want to date anyone from the Mena area, (I had a whole list in my mind of definite “no can do’s”); so she explained she had someone she thought I should meet. She further explained that he was her neighbor (a few houses down) and that since he lived in Oklahoma (a whole state away) that would be a safe scenario for me to start off with…..just interacting with someone, possibly.
We didn’t talk about it again for a week or two and then it came back up. Apparently he fit a lot of my criteria: he was 26 (I wanted someone my age), he had never been married, (something else on my list), and he was tall (a definite must be).
She explained further that she didn’t know him, but that his sister n law (who also lived in the neighborhood ) was one of her good friends and walking buddies .
During one of their walks as they talked about this and that, Pam mentioned,”I need to find my sister a husband “, sort of jokingly but also meaning it. Her friend (Gail) said, “Well I need to find my brother n law a wife”…..and they laughed and thought it was funny. The longer they talked the more they began to think that maybe introducing us wouldn’t be such a bad idea. So they came up with a plan of sending each of us pictures of the other one, along with an address (way before email folks:) and then we could either write each other or not. I agreed to this as it seemed extremely safe from an emotional view as well as not awkward in that he didn’t know my past or think of me as the ex-preacher’s wife.

A few days later a picture of him arrived in my mail; I still remember looking at it over and over. I was very impressed. He looked fit, handsome and tall:) I thought he was super cute in fact and I had that feeling of excitement tickle my stomach, such a foreign feeling; but I liked it! I only hoped my sis would give a decent picture of me to him and that he would be interested enough to write me; that’s all I really hoped for, nothing more.
A week or more passed and then there it was, a letter from the mystery man! My fingers fumbled with the envelope , my heart skipped a few beats and I was surprised at myself how excited I was over a letter-ha.

I still have that letter, and when I look at it I remember that feeling all over again so vividly.
I felt young again, excited, intrigued. I felt like I had a secret that everyone wished they knew. I put his picture where I could see it and shared it with a handful of close friends who I could trust to be discreet.

I answered his letter and anxiously waited to hear back……but no letter came. Even better he called me!
Not only were my tears a memory, all I could do now is smile, almost uncontrollably. I don’t think I could have cried if I tried. Hadn’t met this guy, had only spoken once briefly on the phone, one letter…….but the excitement /nervousness/ giddiness was much bigger. It was different ….. I had no idea!!!

Psalm 116
I love the Lord, because he hears me;
he listens to my prayers.
2 He listens to me
every time I call to him.
3 The danger of death was all around me;
the horrors of the grave closed in on me;
I was filled with fear and anxiety.
4 Then I called to the Lord,
“I beg you, Lord, save me!”
5 The Lord is merciful and good;
our God is compassionate.
6 The Lord protects the helpless;
when I was in danger, he saved me.
7 Be confident, my heart,
because the Lord has been good to me.
8 The Lord saved me from death;
he stopped my tears
and kept me from defeat.
9 And so I walk in the presence of the Lord
in the world of the living.
10 I kept on believing, even when I said,
“I am completely crushed,”
11 even when I was afraid and said,
“No one can be trusted.”

Chapter 6: The Cinderella Slipper Fits

The letters continued, and we talked briefly on the phone at least once or twice.
We didn’t talk about anything too deep; but he did mention that maybe sometime when I made a trip to my sister’s, we could meet each other in person. Just the thought of that produced major butterflies in my stomach. I kept thinking that he didn’t have any idea what my life was like. I wasn’t sure he even knew I had boys or had been married. My sister didn’t know much about him either, just that he was a Christian and was in business with his brother. He knew I was in nursing school and that was about it, I thought. I didn’t know for sure if he knew I was divorced with kids. We had shared only one, possibly two 5-10 min conversations and a couple of letters that were “short and sweet.”
He did mention a couple times that he wanted to meet me, so I began to think of my next trip to my sister’s. After receiving my first letter from him on September 1, I soon had plans to go to Broken Arrow for the weekend of the 15th.

Wow, was I ever extremely excited and extremely nervous . He hadn’t asked me for a date just that he wanted to meet me. Pam and I were not sure how that would happen. Coincidentally, it was the weekend of the annual garage sale in her neighborhood, so we thought well that’s at least an excuse to walk down the street and see if he was in his yard or something, haha!
I let him know I was coming into town after my Friday nursing classes. I arrived Friday evening around six.
I sat around talking with Pam and waited, wondering if he would call or not, wondering if he had Pam’s number. After all he had never really met her either. Nine oclock came, and I was beginning to think he might be reconsidering. Trying not to get disappointed I refused to think about it, assuming the attitude: “If he doesn’t, he doesn’t; it’s no biggie.” All the things I was saying in my head jolted back to reality as I heard the phone ring. Could it be? Yes it was, and with my heart in my throat I took the phone from my sister and said, “Hello.” It was a brief conversation, about 2 minutes: “How was your trip,” and that sort of thing; and then he said, “Would you like to go out tomorrow night to a movie and maybe dinner?” I tried to sound calm and cool, which I was anything but! I mean after all, I thought he would ask to come down and meet me first before he asked for a date. Now there was more pressure/excitement on that first meeting. I agreed on a time to be picked up, not sure I took a breath between that and saying goodbye. He had already taken my breath away 🙂
I had just scheduled a blind date. If you want to add some stress to dating for the first time after all I had been through, then make it a blind date. The excitement was almost too much. Pam was a bit anxious, too, and said, “Well, tomorrow we will still walk down the street and see if we can spot him just to make sure he’s really cute and it wasn’t just a good picture.” (haha) A sure sign of my insecurity returning a little, I wanted to make sure he saw me in person before the date in case he might want to change his mind. I still had things to work out in myself, so it didn’t take much to bring up the weak areas and scars in my self confidence leftover from divorce.
The next day Pam and I walked down the street, pretending to shop for bargains. I mean we couldn’t just walk straight down by his house; that would be too obvious!
We stopped at his brother and sister n law’s house (my sister’s friend that was helping with this setup). They lived next door to him and were in business together with him. I met them both as they were putting a few things out to sell. Neighborhood garage sales were a big thing in Oklahoma back then with people out walking everywhere; so Pam and I were blending into the crowd. The next few minutes are still a blur, I heard something like, ” Well there he is now. Let’s walk over there and I’ll introduce you.” The next thing I know I’m walking; but I’m not sure I could even feel my feet move, almost a slow motion feeling. Then I look up as I hear the introduction and catch his eye. Wow, I thought to myself…..his picture didn’t do him justice; he was so handsome, tall, fit, and such kind eyes. When he smiled at me, I felt my face flush and I managed to choke out the words, “Nice to meet you.” I returned his smile, then we quickly made up some excuse how we needed to get back to Pam’s house. It was a bit unnerving for all I think, ha. We said our “Nice to meet you.” As we turned to walk away, I heard him say, “I’ll see you tonight, Quita.” Again, I could hardly get my voice to work as I said, “Yes, I look forward to it.”

The rest of the day was spent picking out an outfit to wear, going back over every detail of the “meeting”, how cute he was, how tall he was (don’t underestimate how important that was to me Haha). In my mind, I guessed he liked what he saw since he didn’t find a reason to cancel the date 🙂
I felt like a young teenage girl, spending way too much time getting ready for this date. It had been over 8 years since I had dated, so I wasn’t sure I knew “how” to date. In the mean time, my sister began to freak out a little because she realized she didn’t know that much about him, just what her friend Gail had told her. She had no reason to doubt her, but I think the thought of setting me up and the chance I would be hurt again, panicked her a bit.
She had as much fun as I did though with the excitement and waiting for 7:00 pm to get there. The closer it got the more I was sure I was not going to be able to stop shaking. To this day that’s the most nervous (good nervous) I’ve ever been.

The next thing I know he’s at the door and I’m in that blurry slow motion thing again that giddiness brings on. He looked so handsome as I opened the door, and was greeted by his smile. I realized for the first time he had dimples, and then of course my eyes were drawn to his kind eyes which were a perfect blend between brown and green. He whisked me down the drive way to his car , a very nice red 300z. He opened my door, and as I got in I was overcome with a calm. This was a night I would never forget and neither would Mike.

We talked like old friends that night, laughed, not too many awkward silences. He asked about my boys and I was relieved he knew about them. We talked about his business, his family. He was on the quiet reserved side, not shy in the least, just very good at listening. He seemed interested in every thing I said, and those beautiful eyes of his were always intent and soaking up the details. We went to a restaurant first (Charley Mitchell’s), then a movie, then a walk around the 21st river bridge/pier area. He took my hand and I felt my heart skip a few beats. Though it was a very long time since I had felt that type of touch, it felt very comfortable, very right. I could tell Mike was different than anyone I had ever met. I sensed he had a lot of self confidence, but not a trace of arrogance. His intelligence was obvious to me; his honesty was very noticeable. He was not comfortable talking too much about himself, but he listened intently to every word I spoke.
The night ended fairly early,around 10:30. He walked me to the door where we said goodbye. I walked into my sisters house to be greeted by her excitement and need for details.
I don’t think I slept much at all that night, or the next few. I replayed every moment of the date in my mind, thought of everything he said, how I could tell he loved God the way that I did. He was unlike anyone I had ever known; could it be a dream?
All I know is I had not smiled like that in a very, very long time. My steps were lighter, the sun was brighter, I felt like I had just tried on the Cinderella slipper and it had fit. My heart battled some between my hopes and dreams, and the fears and insecurities; but most of the time the hopes and dreams won. I had no idea how well the slipper would fit or the brightness of my future.
Looking back on that night I realize how God started something special in both of us. I know He must have smiled from heaven and said, “Now that’s what I’ve been waiting for.” His Plan B had been put into play.
I fell asleep that night feeling like Cinderella. I had truly been treated like a princess. I felt beautiful, I felt interesting, and I knew I wanted to get to know this mystery man more.
My heart was light and happy, the scars from divorce barely noticeable against the light of hope, the brightness of joy, the reflection of true inner peace.

Isaiah 61:3
Joy and gladness instead of grief,
A song of praise instead of sorrow.
They will be like trees
That the Lord himself has planted.
They will all do what is right,
And God will be praised for what he has done.

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Chapter 7: Smiles and Butterflies

I returned to Arkansas early the next morning, the day after our first date. The following days were filled with smiles and butterflies. Letters, phone calls, and an unending movie of moments and events of that evening played in my head.

I returned to get my boys, resume studying and real life. I never mentioned a word to the boys about the special person I had met; I had decided long before I wouldn’t do that to them until I was serious about someone, just to protect their little hearts.
I received a letter that week from Mike stating that he would like to see me again, and that he thought I was beautiful inside and out….I felt so special just reading those words. I read and reread his letter several times and talked on the phone a couple of times. Everything seemed effortless to me: studying, taking tests, getting the boys ready for school and everything a single mom does. Life seemed to be a gentle breeze as opposed to the dark stormy season I had just lived through, where everything I did seemed to zap all my energy and emotion.
I had learned from my dark days to cherish the warmth of the sun, so the tiniest moments of happiness were to me like treasures. I knew on an entirely different level, the gift of being at peace with yourself and the feeling of coming out of the dark, dense tunnel of despair into a new world that was bright, fresh, full of promise.
There’s nothing quite like having calmness in your spirit, until you’ve lived without it.
In a very short, yet very long year, I had been transformed into someone new. I had lived through trials and heartache that I didn’t know I was capable of. I had trusted God in situations that normally would have been unbearable. I was stronger, I was kinder, less judgmental, more sensitive to the pain of others. I still lived with my boys in the little government duplex, still hung my clothes on the clothes line, put $5.00 worth of gas in at a time in my car; but my heart was happy, and now I had someone that thought I was beautiful. That was the icing on the cake!

After phone calls back and forth and “get to know each other more” conversations, I planned another trip to my sisters for the last weekend in September.
I anxiously awaited the arrival of the weekend, and it felt so good to have plans that no one really knew (with the exception of a few). I felt in control of my life again, and did that ever feel amazing.
I didn’t need a man to complete me, I didn’t need “things,” I only needed God and his wonderful plans.
Friday finally arrived; and after handing over the boys for their weekend visitation, I left in my little Chevy Spectrum and headed for Tulsa, Oklahoma.
We had a date planned, so he picked me up from my sisters. This time the nerves were a bit more settled but not completely. He took me to a wonderful dinner at Steak and Ale, where we soaked up each others’ company. Nothing serious, just great conversation. We rode around some afterwards and listened to music; then he stopped by his business and gave me a tour. The next morning he picked me up bright and early from Pam’s, and we went to my nephews soccer game and then on to the state fair. We just walked and talked for literally hours. He was such a gentleman and I loved how “even keeled” he was. I found out he was a volleyball player and had grown up in California on the beaches. He was full of ambition, but not in an imbalanced way. He was a dreamer, a visionary, and lived life with a purpose. He looked at me as though I was the only person in the world. The weekend was going by way too fast.
Before I knew it, I was headed back to my real world; but I left part of my heart with him. He was the perfect gentleman, not pushy, or assuming. I wanted to know more, and in some ways that scared me. Could I trust and love someone again? I knew I was getting way ahead of myself; after all, the word love or anything of a serious nature had not come up.
The next week’s letter included a question…..Mike wanted to know if Mena was big enough to have a hotel. If so, he would like to come see me and see where I lived, possibly go to church with me (I wasn’t ready for him to meet the boys). Wow, I thought, and immediately became intimidated about my living situation. What if he wants to see where we live? He had no idea I lived in government housing. Insecurities began to build, but they were quickly pushed out with my desire to have him come for a visit. I’d just worry about that when the time came (with the plan in my mind to make sure he had no reason to see my house).
I was beyond excited! I could finally let people in on my secret; I could have a date and everyone know it. Even my elderly neighbors waited with great anticipation for me to start dating. Lots of people would be excited for me.
I wanted to show him off, and I wanted to see him again; so I gave him the name and number of a local hotel (I think it was called Harvey House Inn). The plans were put into place for him to come for a weekend visit the next time the boys were on weekend visitation. Mike grew up around Los Angeles and knew nothing about small town life. He was in for an interesting experience. I counted down the days with anticipation. It was different having him come to “my world,” and I was a bit unsure how it would turn out. It would be a weekend that would change everything; little did I know the impact it would have.

Chapter 13: Can I Trust You With My Heart?

I’ve never felt so safe, yet so afraid. He just kept telling me, “I’m not like that; you can trust me.” I wanted to… more than anything I wanted to put all caution aside and dive in; but when you’ve been through divorce, you’re never quite the same…..not for a long time anyway and possibly never. There are just a lot of gray areas, unknowns. It’s difficult to give your heart away again; but that’s the BEAUTY of love, taking the risk, opening that door, and eventually holding out your heart to someone you’re willing to entrust with it, and in return accepting the responsibility of loving them as they deserve and desire to be loved.
For those of you who don’t know Mike and me well, (or at all)….I must tell you that we are both very cautious decision makers. Everything about this proposal from Mike was completely out of his character but that’s how much he knew I was the one he wanted to love forever.
There were so many thoughts and feelings that night and not enough hours to talk everything through. Eventually we had to get some sleep, so he headed back to his room.
I didn’t say yes or no to his proposal, just kept bringing up the “what ifs”…… so many things to weigh out. I was in nursing school which I still had several months left to complete; then there was uprooting the boys, the moving. I was overwhelmed, but Mike was patient and completely understood why I couldn’t say yes at that moment.
I am not sure either of us got a wink of sleep, but it’s funny how during times of great excitement your body just doesn’t require much (it also helps to be 26 years old).
The boys and I met Mike fairly early for breakfast so we could plan out our day, and a fun day it was. Chuckie Cheese, was one item on the agenda. It was a beautiful warm Saturday in October; that made the park a perfect place to spend the afternoon. While the boys ran and played, Mike and I had a few more moments to talk; but this was not really the place to continue our marriage conversation. Even in these quiet moments, our hearts were speaking a thousand words to each other. I didn’t want our time to end, because everything felt so perfect when he was near me.

The boys were absolutely crazy about him and he them! As I watched them play in the park together I couldn’t help but wonder if Mike was really ready for such a major change in his life….I mean from bachelorhood to a family of 4, and it would be so instant. I decided to put all those thoughts and fears aside and just enjoy our last few hours together before we parted ways once again.
The boys slept all the way home, exhausted from all the fun and thrills, and I knew I had a lot of thinking to do. Could it be this easy? Should it be this easy? I was not ready to tear down the wall that had been protecting me. I had spent months building it up with all levels of defense and I couldn’t risk living without its security, not yet. I was not about to quit school. I had determined long before to never be dependent on anyone again, with the exception of God, but certainly not a man. I would not put myself in that position, I had promised myself that over and over during the previous year.
Mike returned to Tulsa and had a long talk with one of his brothers. Whatever was said just seemed to firm up his decision.
The week was filled with flowers and phone calls that lasted for hours. I think I made it to Tuesday evening before telling him, “I’m scared but everything in me is screaming: Yes marry him, trust him.” I decided I was willing to take the risk. I had the strangest peace in my heart that came over me between Saturday and Tuesday, peace that could have only come from one source, and that was God.
Just as I had instantly fallen out of love with my ex husband many months before, I had just as instantly fallen in love with Mike. I explained to him that I had to continue living in Mena until I finished my nursing school. He was very understanding and said if that’s what you need to feel secure then we will just be together on weekends till it ends. I assured him that’s the only way I could feel OK about it. I had to have that security; it was a major part of my wall of protection. He constantly reassured me that he would show me through time and love that I could eventually trust him and that we would take those steps together. He always seemed to know when I needed reassurance and he would say,”I’m not going anywhere.” He told me he had never been in love with anyone. I can’t even put words to the way he loved me with the words he spoke to me, the way he respected me, admired me. Mike had my heart in a way no one had ever had it before. It was as though I was falling in love for the first time. I knew everything would be OK; I can’t explain how I knew that…..I just did.

1 Corinthians 13

Love never gives up.
Love cares more for others than for self.
Love doesn’t want what it doesn’t have.
Love doesn’t strut,
Doesn’t have a swelled head,
Doesn’t force itself on others,
Isn’t always “me first,”
Doesn’t fly off the handle,
Doesn’t keep score of the sins of others,
Doesn’t revel when others grovel,
Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth,
Puts up with anything,
Trusts God always,
Always looks for the best,
Never looks back,
But keeps going to the end.

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Chapter 15: Forty Four Days

Who knew a middle school football game could hold so much excitement? But it certainly did on that Saturday night in late October. Mike and I had known each other for a total of 43 days and yet here we were, engaged, a sparkling diamond on my left hand to prove it to me every time I thought I might be dreaming. It’s certainly not something I go around advising people to try; but I’m also non judgmental when I hear of how serious someone is becoming, relative to time. Obviously it’s not something you would see often; but for us, it was just perfect. Two hearts brought together by God. The more about Mike I learned, the more I loved and respected him. He was very funny, with a dry sense of humor, 6’3″ (yes very important), he was on a men’s volleyball league and was very in shape and athletic. I’ve never met a more intelligent man, even to this day. He was raised Catholic and in Catholic schools, but became a Christian at a concert in Anaheim, California when he was 17. He had moved to Tulsa about 6 years before we met to start a business with his brother because it seemed to be the perfect city for it. He was six months younger than me; we were both 26 at the time. I’ll never forget the crisp feeling in the air that night, maybe partly from the excitement of the day; but it was magical, for lack of a better word.
We were at his nephew’s game, so naturally I was introduced to a few more family members for the first time such as his older brother Ron (it was one of his son’s game.)
Jim (brother and business partner) Gail (the one responsible for the match making) and Jamie (their little girl ) were also there, but of course I had already been able to get know them a bit in the few weeks before.
Mike’s sister and parents were yet to be met. Mike’s parents lived out of state, and his sister and her family lived on a ranch not far from Tulsa.
It was a light-hearted conversation during the game that became slightly more intense as the game ended and we all made our way to the parking lot where we would stand and continue the talk for another half hour or so….mostly going back and forth with when we should get married, where, etc. etc.
I had told him to decide the “where” and “when” since this was his first marriage. Mike said something to the effect of, “I’m already tired of trying to figure this out.” 🙂
I didn’t really want a big wedding at all, and Mike was no fan of that either. Ron, Jim, and Gail were helping us think through some dates that might work when one of his brothers (Jim I think) said, “What are you waiting for?” They were all suggesting that if we didn’t want a wedding then don’t stress over it. One thing led to another, with Jim saying something like, “Just hurry up and do it so you can get some work done at the office!” haha
Following there was some joking around that we should just run off. They all agreed that everyone would understand and not be surprised…..more comments, more discussion, and basically they helped talk us into something so bazaar, so off the wall; but the more we talked, the more positive we were that that’s what we wanted to do. After a little bit of nervous laughter and last minute advice we all went our separate ways. Mike and I headed back to his house to finish discussing all we had just talked about. At one point we looked at each other and it was like, “Let’s just go for it!” The next few hours are almost a blur.
He dropped me off at my sister’s and went on to his house to make calls on airlines. If my memory is correct, I believe Gail made some calls for us too, trying to find flights. I asked Mike to drop me off at Pam’s so I could tell her our plans and then call my parents and tell them. They had not met Mike but knew we were fairly serious. My sister was probably the hardest one to tell; she was understandably extremely hesitant to be OK with it all. She felt a ton of responsibility because she saw herself as the main reason I had met him. She felt a huge burden of, “What if this doesn’t work?” I knew where she was coming from. She didn’t want me to be hurt, and she sure didn’t want to be left feeling responsible if I was. We both cried a bit. Just like at times before my heart was saying, “Yes,” and my brain was saying,”YOU ARE OUT OF YOUR MIND!” but my heart kept winning. I hadn’t expected the relief in my parents’ voices, but I didn’t want to go get married and not let them know. I didn’t tell the boys, feeling that I really couldn’t without putting them in an awkward and unfair position since they were on their visitation weekend. Besides, this news was not something I wanted to share over the phone with them.
Lots of feelings were floating around in my heart and head; it was truly like being in a dream. Of course I could only follow my heart, and I had no guaranties I was making the right decision; but I did have that peace that would sweep back over me and calm my thoughts and fears down. Love is always a risk you take, no matter how long you have known or think you know the other person; but the fact that I was taking this risk after being so devastated and disappointed in love was a miracle in itself. There were many times I thought I would never love and trust again. Of course I still would battle trust and vulnerability issues, but the fact that I was willing to take the chance at all was amazing. At that point in my life I would say definitely my heart was healed, but even after you heal from anything there remain scars for sometime. In some ways I was stronger than I had ever been, but I was still pretty fragile.
We would not be able to fly out of Tulsa until 7:00am the next morning, October 28, 1990.
Then, there we were at the airport, with excitement that can’t be described; and soon we were boarded on the plane and headed for Las Vegas, Nevada. I had flown before but not often and not in a very long time, so even that was exciting. We had lots of talking to do as you might imagine, going through all the details about figuring out where to go once in Vegas. He had visited there a few times with his family and even on business, but this was not the typical trip by any means. We really weren’t sure how everything would unfold.
After a layover in Salt Lake City , we arrived in Vegas where it was still morning because of the time change, probably around 10:30-11:00am.
I never saw any nerves at all from Mike until we were about to land and it hit him, no second thoughts just a big reality jolt. It didn’t help when he suddenly remembered his drivers license had just expired and he had not had time to renew in all the busyness of our last couple of weeks. Because he had forgotten, we couldn’t rent a car. I certainly didn’t want to drive in Vegas! This was not the only issue as we suddenly realized we might not be able to be married with an expired identification . Wow, what are we going to do?
We decided to get a taxi first. When we were in the cab, Mike told the cab driver that we were here to get married and asked for any suggestions or help he might give us with the process? I’m guessing he had been asked that before, because he gave us a chuckle and said, “Well I better take you to the courthouse first and let you get your marriage license.”
Here it was Sunday morning and the courthouse was open; welcome to Vegas!
He pulled up in front of it and said he would wait. “Wait, you don’t think it’s going to take very long?” we asked. He replied, “I doubt it on a Sunday.”
As we walked up those steps, we were both pretty nervous, just not knowing what would happen with Mike’s drivers license. Would there be a waiting time before we could get married? Blood test? We had NO idea.
We walked in and there was a sign that said Marriage License and a couple people lined up, but after what felt like 2 minutes tops, we were there at the counter where it was our turn. We were given a paper to fill out which was general info type thing…..in only 3-4 minutes and we were back at the counter with it. The lady took it and said, “Thank you very much and good luck.” We just looked at her like, “That’s all?”
All that concern about his license not being current and we didn’t even have to show ANY ID
We had a good laugh over that for awhile.
From the time we stepped out of our cab to the time we got back in, couldn’t have been more than 8-10 min (closer to 8 I’d say).
So back in the cab we go to procure some more free info from our cab driver who was our friend at this point 🙂
He suggested a couple of nice chapels and told us the ones that were famous for who married there.
He dropped us off in the area where we went ahead and booked a room in the “Frontier,” which is no longer there. We carried our luggage in and sat down to make a plan. I didn’t want to get married in the middle of the day (didn’t seem as romantic I guess). Besides, I wanted to look my best; and we had been traveling for hours. We decided we would get married that night after dinner (not sure who thought eating first was smart ha).
I had nothing to fix my hair with, because when I went to Tulsa to see him I always stayed at my sisters and borrowed her blow dryer, curling iron etc.
So that became our afternoon activity, to shop for me some hair equipment 🙂
The only place we could find was a mall, and so he bought me a blow dryer and curling iron in Dillard’s. They don’t have the best hair tools; but it beat none, except for being pricey! Again, I had trouble letting him buy it for me (ridiculous, I know).
Then he told me he wanted to buy me something special (like a wedding gift) and so we ended up at the perfume counter where he bought me my first bottle of expensive perfume, a bottle of “Red” by Giorgio Beverly Hills (yes I still remember).
We walked a lot just looking at Vegas, the strip, it was all very new and exciting for me.
Finally it was late enough to start getting ready for the evening.
We both wore fairly casual clothes. I mean I didn’t know I was going to get married, or I would have packed differently! I had on some casual pants and cute top, while Mike wore corduroys and a casual polo shirt. With a spritz of my new perfume, we were off to dinner.
As you might imagine we didn’t eat much, just talked more. I felt some big time fear slipping up on me; but Mike just reassured me over dinner once again that he would love me for ever and ever, and I would never be sorry I gave my heart to him. I believed him!!
Around 7:00 that night, not long after the sun had gone down, we took a taxi with marriage license in hand to the closest little wedding chapel “Candlelight Wedding Chapel.”
It was lit up so beautifully. We stepped inside to find a very tastefully decorated sanctuary of sorts, decorated with gorgeous flowers, complete with pews and everything a small church would have. We were met by the minister who after finding out that we did indeed wish to be married, had us sit with her for a few minutes. Interestingly she talked with us about what an important covenant marriage was with God and how it should be taken very seriously . She talked about the beauty of a loving marriage and that we should be sure we were ready for a lifelong commitment. She called in another person that worked there (a younger woman) that was to stand with us as witness/photographer. Then we all went to the front and began the ceremony.
It was not what you might expect from Vegas; it felt very reverent and intimate. There we were, just Mike and me along with two people we had just met; but the most important One there was the One who ultimately had brought us together, our Heavenly Father. Those moments were frozen in time for me, looking at this man who had swept me off my feet, knowing he loved me and I loved him…nothing has ever felt so right, so “meant to be,” as we stood there and committed our lives to each other for ever, for better or worse, richer or poorer, in sickness and in health…I knew this was something very special. It was more than his kind eyes and handsome face. We were connected much deeper than that; we were two souls drawn together to love each other, to build a family. Just like a beautiful painting, our lives were planned out and put together color by color, moment by moment, and the painting would have details added to it as the years went by until someday it would be a master piece of God’s plans. The painting of our lives had just started, but it was already so beautiful. I knew it was a day I would never forget. Just Forty Four days after we met, I was Mike’s wife.

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Chapter 16: One plus Three, Equals a Family!

It was an unforgettable 24 hours and we were back on the plane headed for Tulsa. The boys were in Arkansas with my cousin and her family, and of course I had school to get back to there as well.
Funny picture in my mind is……for some reason we decided to buy souvenir T-shirts and wear them home on the plane. Don’t ask me why; I have NO idea, ha! I just know Mike and I have never since worn matching shirts in any form for any reason, but it seemed the thing to do at the time. So there we were, on the plane, exhausted from the exciting whirlwind of our weekend. Our T -shirts said, “We were married at the Candle Light Wedding Chapel in Las Vegas”…..haha, must have been a pretty funny sight. We both fell asleep and Mike said he woke up and saw someone laughing at us. Oh my. So funny, looking back.
The closer we got to Tulsa, the more somber our moods became as the reality hit us that we would be going our separate ways upon our return. Mike was a good sport and so understanding of my need to stay in Arkansas and finish school. He just made sure I knew I didn’t have to; but knowing my insecurity, he didn’t push anything. We would just be together on the weekends, we thought. While on the plane ride, he pulled out his checkbook and insisted I take money for the week. I was his wife now, but it was still difficult and felt less than normal. He wasn’t taking no for an answer and I had no good reason for saying no. I watched as he filled out my new name on the check, and I couldn’t help but smile.
It was late afternoon before we arrived back at his (now our) house, and I needed to head to Arkansas right away before it got any later. We drove up to find my car all decorated (by Pam and my new sis n law, Gail) the two that had fixed us up. We hurried and said our goodbyes. It was much harder this time, very different; and I felt that knot in my throat as I fought back tears.
A few hours later I arrived safely and called to let him know. He told me he had gone into the house to find the entire place was decorated with rice, balloons and streamers with no one there but him to see it 😦 ….I could tell he was wishing things could be different. On the other hand I was rather shocked that it bothered me. I had felt very independent and was not thinking I would struggle with the “apart” thing; but I found myself torn.
I didn’t have time to think about it much after I arrived home. I had two very excited little boys that I needed to talk to and let them in on the updated news. We got right back Into the swing of things in our routine, but it just felt a bit hollow. I proudly drove my car around town with the “just married” and “Mrs.” written on the windows. My friends in nursing school were beyond shocked and anxious to hear details. They all thought I was quitting school but I told them that was not my plan.
By Wednesday evening, I was miserable and realizing this was much, much harder than I had imagined. It felt almost like I was pretending I got married. I had a rush of mixed emotions. I had worked so hard to be in nursing school, but yet my heart was in Tulsa Oklahoma.
It was the hardest, yet the easiest decision ever. I called Mike that Thursday evening and said, “I can’t do this; I want us to be a family. I’ll just take classes in Tulsa, but we need to be together.” He was thrilled and surprised. That Friday evening he arrived in a big U-haul truck and spent the weekend with me in my little government house. 🙂
We packed up everything I wanted and gave the rest away to neighbors and friends and Sunday afternoon the four of us were headed back to Tulsa. I had a peace in my heart that I was doing the right thing. The proof of that was the fact we were immediately a family, and it felt like it had always been that way. I can honestly say there was no adjustment period for any of us. Charley asked if they could call Mike, “Daddy”; and he of course wanted that very much; so from that day on, he had a new name.
The next morning found me enrolling the boys in a private Christian school (with Gail’s help) where everything came together like clockwork. I waited until January to enroll in a couple of college classes. In the mean time, I had a beautiful home to make my own, a new kitchen to cook in, a new life. I depended on Gail (who lived next door ) to help me get in the swing of things, such as, “What does he like to eat?” She had fixed most of his non-pizza delivery meals; and since he was next door to Jim and Gail and they were in business together, it worked out quite nicely. Everything was different now, but it seemed so comfortable. The boys adored their new cousin, Jamie; and she became like a sister to them. She was 5 at the time.
I never looked back, as far as doubting my decision to marry and move. We had those who said it wouldn’t last (or so I was told). We just smiled and thought, “You’ll see.” To the hand full that claimed I married for money, well we just laughed at those few; and after over 23 years together we are getting the last laugh I do believe 🙂 🙂
God had matched us up, way before we even met…..our best days were in front of us. I treasured being loved differently; I still do!

Psalms 91

14-16 “If you’ll hold on to me for dear life,” says God,
“I’ll get you out of any trouble.
I’ll give you the best of care
if you’ll only get to know and trust me.
Call me and I’ll answer, be at your side in bad times;
I’ll rescue you, then throw you a party.
I’ll give you a long life,
give you a long drink of salvation!”

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Chapter:18 A summer To Remember 2005

Lots of memories in the last 23+years….graduation, weddings….
One of the best memories was Father’s Day of 2005 when Charley and Caleb gave Mike the greatest gift he could have ever received, adoption papers. They were 21 and 18 at the time and could make this decision on their own. Even though Mike had dreamed of that opportunity, he would have never asked them or put pressure on them. It was not possible when they were young, so he had not let himself even think about it, really; and I’m not sure he even put the thoughts together that it was something they could choose to do after turning 18. They had always called him Dad; and believe me, he was and is an amazing dad to all of our children.
It was always sort of sad when the guys got any recognition for their athletics in the paper or awards in school that with their last name being different, it almost felt like Mike didn’t get any credit (which he did not care about at all); but still it was just a bit of a downer. Teachers and friends all knew the last name was different, but sometimes even they hadn’t stopped to figure out exactly what that meant. I’ve been asked more than once if I was Charley and Caleb’s step mom 🙂
Now that’s the kind of dad he is!
We learned to laugh all of that off, like the few times people (mostly kids) referred to Mike and me as Mr and Mrs (last name of the boys)…all good memories though.
So that weekend with the adoption papers, as you might picture, was quite the surprise for him, to say the least. Charley and Ruth were dating; so she was in on it along with Caleb, Charley,our family attorney and me. It took a month or so to get everything legally in place, and it was SUCH a hard secret to keep. I think I’m the one that came up with the idea of a scavenger hunt as a way of presenting to him, so we worked to put clues and such together. They were funny clues such as “This gift is black and white,” (documents) and another clue “We had to go so many miles to purchase,” (meaning miles to the attorneys office)…..about 10 clues in all ….. Then the final clue was, “This is something you’ve always wanted and only we (Caleb and Charley) could give it to you!”
The next stop was an envelope with adoption papers, which still needed to be legalized and brought before a judge in a court room appearance.
The Saturday night before Father’s Day found us all standing there with our hearts beating out of our chests, waiting for him to open the envelope which contained the documents after receiving the final clue.
Just so you can get the accurate picture, we had not let Stephani and Jessica in on the secret, because we thought it was too risky they might say something. They were only 9 and 11. They didn’t have a clue as they stood there so excited as well. The next few moments were so emotional, and surreal. At first Mike was a little shocked as he began to read the pages of documents, which were a bit hard to follow with all the legal jargon. He was not really sure what he was reading (it was so quiet as we are all waiting), and then it started making sense to him as he was reading the papers. Being a man of few words as he is, Mike looked at Charley and Caleb, one of a handful of times in our marriage that there were tears in his eyes…..and sort of asked/declared, “Adoption?!” I think he wanted to verify before he got too excited. Little 9 year old Jessica was busy trying to look over his shoulder as he read. Of course she was clueless, bouncing up and down with the excitement of “dad’s getting a surprise.” Just when the moment was getting very emotional and intense, and Mike had just asked the question, “Adoption?” Jess started clapping and getting beside herself because she thought it meant we were adopting a baby. Hahahahaha such a funny moment tucked inside such an unforgettable memory.

A short 6 weeks later our family went on a cruise and Ruth went with us for the first time and her first cruise. There was so much excitement, and the girls were beyond thrilled to share a room with her. She had no idea how exciting this cruise would be. On the second night before dinner and while having pictures taken (a normal routine cruise activity), Charley proposed to Ruth after dating since they were 16, such a happy moment. She was completely surprised and we were all on Cloud Nine. We had loved her since we first met her, so this was a dream for all of us that was coming true. Our excitement would be cut short, however; because two days later on the same cruise, our family was involved in a jet ski/wave runner accident that came close to taking the lives of Jessica and Mike. It was so traumatic; and even though Mike and Jessica (who was only 10 years old at the time) were the two visibly injured, Stephani and Caleb had a deeper injury which occurred in their emotions, hearts and minds. Caleb had a much harder time dealing with the burden he put on himself as being somehow responsible for what truly was just an accident. It is still very painful for him to talk about, and he still battles the demons that want to destroy him with guilt. He and Stephani were on a jet ski together and had lost control of it, hitting Mike and Jessica on theirs, as they flew over the top of them, hitting them in the head….. totally a freak accident; but to say it was difficult for Caleb to live with would be putting it mildly.
Charley and I went with Mike and Jessica in the ambulance while Ruth, Stephani, and Caleb followed in a taxi. The ambulance had no working siren or air conditioner, and it felt like a million degrees inside there. Jess was still mostly unconscious, so I feverishly talked to her to keep her somewhat awake as that is one thing I was told that I understood from the non English speaking paramedics and the difficult language barrier.
Mike was out of it even though he was conscious; he kept having to be reminded where he was, and his behavior was very erratic. I was not out there in the ocean when the accident happened; instead, I was taking it easy at the beach there in Playa del Carmen. I was never one to get in on these type of activities, so I sat there drinking my coke and decided to call my sister. Her phone was ringing when I heard someone screaming my name several yards away down the beach. At first I couldn’t find who the screams were coming from; but soon my eyes focused in on someone running and realized it was Ruth, screaming my name and running towards me still with her life jacket on and dripping wet from the ocean. I knew something was horribly wrong. The big invisible pause button that gets pushed when these types of things happen was pushed, and I couldn’t move.
I had just placed a call to my sister to tell her of the engagement excitement and completely lost track that I still had the phone in hand. It had gone to her voice mail which recorded everything that was said between Ruth and me. My sister would hear it and be unable to contact me to find out if everything was OK for 24 hours. The last thing she heard after hearing Ruth say to me, “There’s been an accident on the jet skis,” was me asking Ruth who was hurt and if they were alive.
Soon Charley showed up; and as we walked/ran to the ambulance, he told me he needed me to prepare for what I was going to see…..and be strong. I asked him if they were going to be OK? He replied he thought “Dad” would make it but he wasn’t sure Jess would…..words that hit me like a million pounds.
As we approached the scene where they had laid Jess on a board and were preparing to bring her to the ambulance, I first saw Steph’s face (she was just 13) and then Caleb’s, both so full of fear. They needed me to comfort them for their own emotional wounds; but I would not be able to help them because of focusing on Jessica and Mike, who were needing me the most. There was not enough of me to go around. Ruth and Charley helped fill in the gaps and were absolutely incredible.
Of course our phones weren’t working except for Mike’s Blackberry (which no one knew how to use but him, as far as looking up numbers). That’s the first time I realized how I know no one’s number anymore; it’s just a name in my phone :/
Ruth could only think of one friend’s number from memory, so she called her to call everyone else to pray. I was in no place to even try to think of phone numbers. My entire attention was on Jessica and Mike….and in that order, since Jess was more critical than Mike, and she was still coming in and out of consciousness.
Back in the ambulance earlier, Mike had a lot of blood coming from his chin which was split open. He was not himself at all after being knocked unconscious and face first into the ocean. He was in a world of his own and not the person he would normally be for me in that situation. We eventually arrived at the hospital which looked like a run down apartment with a garage, the emergency room. Suddenly, I felt fear surround me as the reality hit that this was not a modern hospital, or from the looks of it, possibly not even a hospital. We were obviously in a very poor and scary part of town, but there was no other choice; we needed help.
I’ll never forget being in that one room “emergency room” which literally was the garage, Mike on one side of the room and Jess on the other. Charley and I took turns talking non stop to Jessica to keep her from falling any deeper into sleep which was extremely difficult. She would only open her eyes briefly when we would speak. She still had not really said anything since being rescued by Caleb out of the ocean, ,just moaned and groaned.
Meanwhile, Mike was lying on a table underneath a single light bulb that was hanging from a string as a man (doctor?) pulled out what looked to be a rusty tackle box that he might have fished with before. He opened a bottle of rubbing alcohol and began to pour it over Mike’s gashed open chin. I could hear Mike wrenching in pain. I turned to look at him for a moment and caught sight of a fly buzzing around the light bulb inches from Mike’s face as the man pulled out a needle from that same “tackle box” and began stitching up the large gash.
About that time Jessica began to throw up blood which is probably the worst thing to see after a head injury, a sign that something very serious is wrong. Things seemed to be getting worse.
I felt like I didn’t have time to even pray, but yet I don’t think I ever stopped praying. Everything was happening so fast yet SO slow……I would soon hear words from the doctor that no mom ever wants to hear. Just when I thought everything might be OK, his words literally brought me to my knees.

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